Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
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My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
This trial is so absurd 😭
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
decorating my apartment
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered