Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
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By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Who did it better?
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.