@Darlainky

Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.

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@TheCareBare

she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”

uh you pretty much described my fantasy

@patnspankme

The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.

@TheOneTrueDisco

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@rolldiggity

New Parent Idea:
1. Take pictures of you pulling baby out of spacecraft in forest.
2. Hide pictures in attic for kid to find when he’s 10.

@juanadog

She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.

@QwertyJones3

NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?

ME: No

NURSE: Do you do drugs?

ME: *sigh* No

NURSE: Are you sexually active?

ME: *just starts crying*

@duplicitron

I do shrugs at the gym with like 400 pounds just to show everyone how hard I don’t care.

@ThugRaccoons

[Wedding night]

Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this

New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room

Me: Am I? *winks forever*

@wendchymes

I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber