@XplodingUnicorn

[out in public]

Me: A kid is crying.

Wife: It’s not one of ours.

[we fist bump]

You Might Also Like

@WeissBrandon

Me: excuse me waitress, I ordered this filet medium-rare and it’s clearly a peanut butter and jelly

Wife: did you just call me “waitress”?

@FirecrackerKatt

You say stalker.

I say excellent research skills.

Also, your dryer cycle just buzzed.

@AngelaEhh

I almost ate that little packet in the shoe box. Good thing it said ‘do not eat’.

That was close.

@interwebmemes

2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say

@Aikiwomannc

Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!

Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!

Him: Don’t do it! Get out!

Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!

@kirbys4losers

I can feel you getting distant from me; my only wish for you is that your destination is oncoming traffic.

@silence__kit

Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”

@Jandalize

Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?

@Mr_Kapowski

My only goal when getting ready to go out in public is to make sure a teenager doesn’t take a discreet picture of my outfit and meme me