[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
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When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?