@XplodingUnicorn

[out in public]

Me: A kid is crying.

Wife: It’s not one of ours.

[we fist bump]

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@scarebro

Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.

@geowizzacist

Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”

@xysist

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day, teach a man how to fish and he’ll spend his time singing baby shark from the boat.

@MacDickson18

Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.

@ronaldravegan

when i was a young boy my father had what he called the bean jar. it was a jar full of brown and black beans. whenever we misbehaved, he would remove one and tell us that once the jar was empty, the world would end

@TheDjinnTrials

If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.

@stevevsninjas

Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan

@PAPIKAIBITCH

SOME GIRLS GET BEATEN UP BY THEIR BOYFRIENDS AND STICK AROUND SAYING “I SEE SOMETHING IN HIM” LIKE WTF YOU SEE??? A REMATCH?

@ItsAndyRyan

First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos