Me: excuse me waitress, I ordered this filet medium-rare and it’s clearly a peanut butter and jelly
Wife: did you just call me “waitress”?
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
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Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
You say stalker.
I say excellent research skills.
Also, your dryer cycle just buzzed.
I almost ate that little packet in the shoe box. Good thing it said ‘do not eat’.
That was close.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
I can feel you getting distant from me; my only wish for you is that your destination is oncoming traffic.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
My only goal when getting ready to go out in public is to make sure a teenager doesn’t take a discreet picture of my outfit and meme me