Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
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Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day, teach a man how to fish and he’ll spend his time singing baby shark from the boat.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
when i was a young boy my father had what he called the bean jar. it was a jar full of brown and black beans. whenever we misbehaved, he would remove one and tell us that once the jar was empty, the world would end
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
SOME GIRLS GET BEATEN UP BY THEIR BOYFRIENDS AND STICK AROUND SAYING “I SEE SOMETHING IN HIM” LIKE WTF YOU SEE??? A REMATCH?
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos