Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
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How high do the levels go?
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
sry
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.