do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
You Might Also Like
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24