@whatbabytalk

Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.

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@hcbirks

bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:

@WilliamAder

Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.

@FrazzleMyGimp

[leaving parents’ house]

HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.

ME: Ya he also has another one.

@mommajessiec

[feels adventurous]

As a kid: *climbs a tree*

As a teen: *dyes hair*

In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*

In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*

@chuuew

[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne

@delusions_of

Been working out. Pretty sure I can beat up half the kids from “Stranger Things” now.

@Brianhopecomedy

Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.

@Brianhopecomedy

*wife phones*

“Hi!”

“Hi! Did you clean the house?”

“Uhh…YUP!”

“OK, I’m coming home. Need anything?”

“Yes, about 2 hours.”

@WritePlay

MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad

COW: What’s that mean?

MAN: Uh-

COW: I’m fat?

MAN: … You’re a cow?

PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo

@lazerdoov

Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars