bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
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Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Been working out. Pretty sure I can beat up half the kids from “Stranger Things” now.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
“Hi! Did you clean the house?”
“OK, I’m coming home. Need anything?”
“Yes, about 2 hours.”
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars