Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
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[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
This tweet has been deleted
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.