Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
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Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
My beach vacation Google searches
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.