Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
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I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
“What?”
– Jude
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice