If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
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I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?