Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
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‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here