out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
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I self medicate, therefore you live.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us