[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
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What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider