Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
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There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.