Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
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Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.