[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
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getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
is this a threat
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for