@geowizzacist

(Outside at dusk)

Wife: Lovely evening.

Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.

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@Pork_Chop_Hair

*Band at a drive-thru, arguing about band name*
Cashier: Here’s your fries, and a nickel back
Chad Kroeger, gasps: You guys I have an idea

@sophielou

*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then

@hazelmotes1

Your trophy wife is more of a participation trophy wife, isn’t she?

@Midgetspar

Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.

@SortaBad

[Native Americans see ship approach]
Let’s use fake names lol
“Ha! I’ll be Running Bear,u be Crazy Horse”
lmao do u think they’ll believe us

@panmidwest

ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!

MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.

@ericsshadow

In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.

@gorrdano

Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.

@Parkerlawyer

“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”

New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”