(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
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Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
Ah..makes sense now
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.