*Band at a drive-thru, arguing about band name*
Cashier: Here’s your fries, and a nickel back
Chad Kroeger, gasps: You guys I have an idea
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
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*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Your trophy wife is more of a participation trophy wife, isn’t she?
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
[Native Americans see ship approach]
Let’s use fake names lol
“Ha! I’ll be Running Bear,u be Crazy Horse”
lmao do u think they’ll believe us
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
*takes personality test*
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”