{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
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Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*