[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
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like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start