Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
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Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Single and childfree like Jesus
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
(more comics:
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
pictures of spider-man
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting