[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
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[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.