ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
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No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
I have to go watch my kid in a math competition and I just don’t understand why Jesus has forsaken me like this.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
It will turn green in
Ah yes nailed it.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
[purposefully keeps messing up my hot dog eating scene]
director: cut! [sighs] bring in another hot dog, take 11
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead