@ObscureGent

[Outside liquor store]

Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?

Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.

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@cavaticat

ah yes, the Supreme Court

a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream

@SaltyCorpse

I have to go watch my kid in a math competition and I just don’t understand why Jesus has forsaken me like this.

@dorsalstream

[packing for work trip]

“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”

@TribalSpaceCat

[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.

@RobinMcCauley

I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[purposefully keeps messing up my hot dog eating scene]
director: cut! [sighs] bring in another hot dog, take 11

@Mothernetic

Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.

@pittdave13

I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white

@pixelatedboat

*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead