[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
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fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?