[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
You Might Also Like
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
pizza
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’