My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
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HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.