[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
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If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
“you recording!?”
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?