Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
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WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Just a bush.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.