Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
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I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles