@AnExocticBeach

Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic

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@PinkCamoTO

“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”

That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.

@MumInBits

Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*

@SSparklesDaily

Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“

@TheMichaelRock

The best part about being a grown-up is not having to answer to ANYONE!

(What’s that, honey? Be right there.)

@brynnester

Me: I need a bank loan please

Bank Manager: How much?

Me: Like really badly

@NurseMurderer

Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.

Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.

@BlairLoudly

*dresses like a kitty*

*climbs tree*

*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*

@alshipley

my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice

@AverageCorners

Me: Okay, bed time.

Brain: I’m with you, man. I’m tired.

Nose: GUYS I LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE “PATIENCE” BY GUNS N’ ROSES!

@GingerHotDish

Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?

Them: That’s a baby.

Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.