Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
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Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.