Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic

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“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”

That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.


Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*


Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“


The best part about being a grown-up is not having to answer to ANYONE!

(What’s that, honey? Be right there.)


Me: I need a bank loan please

Bank Manager: How much?

Me: Like really badly


Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.

Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.


*dresses like a kitty*

*climbs tree*

*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*


my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice


Me: Okay, bed time.

Brain: I’m with you, man. I’m tired.



Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?

Them: That’s a baby.

Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.