“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
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Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.