Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
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to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
stop