Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
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I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.