Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
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A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!