Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
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Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Basically.