My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
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ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
San Francisco has too many rules
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video