Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
You Might Also Like
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.