@RonnieLauth

Overheard at a museum cafe:
“What kind of coffee do you have?”
“Uh. Just the kind they give us to brew.”
“Well is it Kenyan? Ethiopian?”
“Sir. It’s just coffee. Either buy it or don’t.”

I love New Yorkers.

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@Dawn_M_

I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.

@lilgapeach32

You can tell a lot about a woman by how she slices brownies. For example: if she throws the knife at you, you should pick up some midol.

@caithuls

If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either

@FishySnowborder

I like my women with curves.

Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.

@TheBoydP

Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.

(I didn’t say best, I said creative)

@silkymilky14

3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning

INTERNET IS DOWN

@amishschool

Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:

“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”

@tweetsbyrocket

the characters from friends actually represent all seven deadly sins

monica:
chandler:
joey:
the monkey:
rachel:
phoebe:
ross: pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath, and sloth

@MattTheBrand

dad: what should we name him

mom: something beautiful

dad: something unique

mom: any ideas

dad: matt

mom: ok

@BradBroaddus

DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”

ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”

DOCTOR:……..