I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Overheard at a museum cafe:
“What kind of coffee do you have?”
“Uh. Just the kind they give us to brew.”
“Well is it Kenyan? Ethiopian?”
“Sir. It’s just coffee. Either buy it or don’t.”
I love New Yorkers.
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You can tell a lot about a woman by how she slices brownies. For example: if she throws the knife at you, you should pick up some midol.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
the characters from friends actually represent all seven deadly sins
ross: pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath, and sloth
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”