Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
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Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]