@Vivalazoso
@The_Albinoshrek
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
You Might Also Like
@The_Albinoshrek
@brianbowman73
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
@MableGertrude
If you know a clumsy person you secretly wish would die, give them some rollerblades.
@NurseMurderer
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
@omgthatspunny
If a dog has puppies in a public place, can they be arrested for littering?
@ElliotHetherton
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
@Tbone7219
Well it’s that time of the year to go outside and pretend to put up the Christmas lights I never took down from last year.
@KattsDogma
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
@serialmatrix
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.nGod: killed his only son.nAnd that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
@LoriLuvsShoes
When I punish my 16 I don’t take away her phone I take away her charger and then I watch the fear in her eyes as her battery dies. It’s fun