I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Overheard at the coffee shop: ‘i think that guy is listening to our conversation’
You Might Also Like
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
If you know a clumsy person you secretly wish would die, give them some rollerblades.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
If a dog has puppies in a public place, can they be arrested for littering?
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Well it’s that time of the year to go outside and pretend to put up the Christmas lights I never took down from last year.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.nGod: killed his only son.nAnd that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
When I punish my 16 I don’t take away her phone I take away her charger and then I watch the fear in her eyes as her battery dies. It’s fun