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Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs