@Vivalazoso

Overheard at the coffee shop: ‘i think that guy is listening to our conversation’

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@The_Albinoshrek

I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you

@brianbowman73

Coworker: Pass your random drug test?

Me: With flying colors!

CW: Really?

Me. So many colors!

CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?

@MableGertrude

If you know a clumsy person you secretly wish would die, give them some rollerblades.

@NurseMurderer

I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.

@omgthatspunny

If a dog has puppies in a public place, can they be arrested for littering?

@ElliotHetherton

me: my pasta salad is cold

waiter: it’s meant to be

me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first

@Tbone7219

Well it’s that time of the year to go outside and pretend to put up the Christmas lights I never took down from last year.

@KattsDogma

“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn

@serialmatrix

God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.nGod: killed his only son.nAnd that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.

@LoriLuvsShoes

When I punish my 16 I don’t take away her phone I take away her charger and then I watch the fear in her eyes as her battery dies. It’s fun