Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
You Might Also Like
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Wikigenius
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like