Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
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“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”