Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
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My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
[loses house key, starts a new life]
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.