@beccalynward

Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”

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@nbadag

[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM

@Laser_Cat

*gets pulled over*

Do you know how fast you were going?

*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*

Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.

@dumbbeezie

Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax

@TedOfficialPage

What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”

@flowersofmyself

The worst thing about middle aged dating is you legitimately don’t know if you’ve been ghosted or the object of your affections has just died.

@merrittk

shopkeep, trying to gently shoo away the wild goose with a broom: please go

me: you SWEEP goose? you sweep its body like the garbage? oh! oh! jail for shopkeep! jail for shopkeep for One Thousand Years!!!!

@fro_vo

ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery

@maughammom

Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”

Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”