Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”

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ME: you hear that?
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]


*gets pulled over*

Do you know how fast you were going?

*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*

Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.


Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax


What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”


The worst thing about middle aged dating is you legitimately don’t know if you’ve been ghosted or the object of your affections has just died.


shopkeep, trying to gently shoo away the wild goose with a broom: please go

me: you SWEEP goose? you sweep its body like the garbage? oh! oh! jail for shopkeep! jail for shopkeep for One Thousand Years!!!!


ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery


Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”

Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”