*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
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me as a realtor:
This house does include a crawl space. It’s probably full of bones already, but you can always add more bones yourself.
sorry i lost my nudes can u send me yours
You know what’s sad? 3 of my team members dying of drinking poison and the last dying of a fractured neck because he didn’t drink the poison
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
I’m like a cupcake: I’m short, round, mostly sweet and not everyone likes me.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow