ME: you hear that?
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
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*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*inflates emergency mustache*
Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
The worst thing about middle aged dating is you legitimately don’t know if you’ve been ghosted or the object of your affections has just died.
shopkeep, trying to gently shoo away the wild goose with a broom: please go
me: you SWEEP goose? you sweep its body like the garbage? oh! oh! jail for shopkeep! jail for shopkeep for One Thousand Years!!!!
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”