*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
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My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure