Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:

•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”

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*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE


If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.


Not having kids has turned out to be way cheaper than noise canceling headphones.


Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.


[first day as a hairdresser]

customer: can you take off a foot?

me: *sharpening axe* no problem


A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.


The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH


‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’

(Me to my kids)


what idot labeled all the orange juice labels w/ “no pulp” insted of “pulp fiction”