@Six_Pack_Mom

Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:

•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”

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@OBiiieeee

*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE

@katiefzack

If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.

@realHamOnWry

Not having kids has turned out to be way cheaper than noise canceling headphones.

@CrackYouWhip

Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.

@girlnarly

[first day as a hairdresser]

customer: can you take off a foot?

me: *sharpening axe* no problem

@TheToddWilliams

A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.

@robin_991

The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH

@LorieGZ

‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’

(Me to my kids)

@jonnysun

what idot labeled all the orange juice labels w/ “no pulp” insted of “pulp fiction”