Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
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Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*