A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
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Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
*feels the wind in my toe hair
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.