Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
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i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.