A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Overheard in a restaurant. Grandma: “Oh, I could really go for a Quickie right about now!” Grandpa: “It’s pronounced a Quiche, dear!”
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My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Spanking, choking, and hair-pulling are old hat. If he’s not down to run me over with a bus, I’m not interested.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
I’ve been called a lot of names but “designated driver” was never one of them.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Apple Maps: Our artisanal cartographers hope you enjoy this pleasant journey. 28 min
Google Maps: Our algorithm has determined an optimal path for the most efficient route given current traffic conditions. 25 min
Waze: Drive through this dude’s living room. 17 min