@headway10

Overheard in a restaurant. Grandma: “Oh, I could really go for a Quickie right about now!” Grandpa: “It’s pronounced a Quiche, dear!”

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@Smethanie

A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.

@chellemybell22

My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.

If you were wondering about my hiding skills.

@insignificuntxX

Spanking, choking, and hair-pulling are old hat. If he’s not down to run me over with a bus, I’m not interested.

@daemonic3

Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?

@FredTaming

HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact

me: i hear they’re the best

@osigat

I’ve been called a lot of names but “designated driver” was never one of them.

@flashember

WIFE: Will he ever wake up?

DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it

W: i sold his pet hamster

ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE

@5hael

*waiter pouring wine*

Say when sir

*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*

@Victoryoftheppl

Apple Maps: Our artisanal cartographers hope you enjoy this pleasant journey. 28 min

Google Maps: Our algorithm has determined an optimal path for the most efficient route given current traffic conditions. 25 min

Waze: Drive through this dude’s living room. 17 min