couldn’t resist
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Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
This took me a second..
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?