(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
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I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
😅🤣😂
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on