Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Overheard in my dorm, from the hallway: “Dude, are those tearaway pants?” *ripping sound* “DUDE THAT’S SO COOL”
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You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
ME: is there a doctor on this flight??
GUY: i’m a doctor
ME: thank god! can you talk to my son? he wants to study philosophy
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same