Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Overheard in my dorm, from the hallway: “Dude, are those tearaway pants?” *ripping sound* “DUDE THAT’S SO COOL”
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[Sees cute barista]
I’ll have a quickie.
Barista: Sir, it’s called an espresso.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
If school isn’t the place to sleep, then home isn’t the place to study.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.