I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
You Might Also Like
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*