Overheard in my dorm, from the hallway: “Dude, are those tearaway pants?” *ripping sound* “DUDE THAT’S SO COOL”

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Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”


[Sees cute barista]

I’ll have a quickie.

Barista: Sir, it’s called an espresso.


me: hit me, daddy

poker dealer: don’t call me that


If school isn’t the place to sleep, then home isn’t the place to study.


What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.


Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”

Doctor: “…Oops.”

*slowly turns chart rightside up*


I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.

Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.