Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
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Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
look at me when i’m typing to you
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
🙂🙃🥹