My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
You Might Also Like
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Thank you corporation very cool
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!